2 months

what is it that every few months i am here again. its like a crazy cycle. Turns out mr.perfect was an ass hole. shocker right. But now im trying to live life for me. its so much harder than i thought it would be. my life is just like eat pray love but no happy ending yet.

so today i was with my sister and her boyfriend hanging out. I was trying to tell him funny happy things about my little sister. i found it odd how hard it was to think of happy memories. it took so long for me to think of something. Later today on our way home she said " you know its so hard to think of happy memories. i could think of a million bad memories" that thought is killing me. i have never tryed to think of happy memories from my childhood. and now that im trying to i cant. all i think of from my childhood is pain, heartbreak, and let down.

I so hate i had such a bad childhood and i wish i could let it go and move on and not let my issues come back to haunt me like i do. I think because i had such a shitty relationship with dad is why i dont trust me and i am constantly seeking approval of men. I cant be alone to save my life. i am doing an ok job right now. this most alone i have ever been.

im trying to go to school to get an education so i can start moving on with my life. we will see.

here again

I am still rather lonely. It has been since July i last blogged. I started seeing someone about two weeks ago i think. i think it has been longer but he thinks its been two weeks. the truth is i have liked this guy. i just didn't get with him cause i was lost at the time i had the chance. but now we are together. he seems kinda perfect so far. yes he has some skeletons in the closet he is not so proud of but now days who doesn't. he is tall beautiful eyes amazzing personality family oriented respectful. everything i could wish for. but my problem is that i have been so lonely before him that i think i am pushing him away. i know im pushing him away. im being that girl friend that guys bitch about to their friends and i so hate myself for it. i think i need to do something to keep me more busy. i need advice. if anyone even reads this. =/

sad thoughts

So you know what i dont understand??
I dont understand why when i think everything is just amazing it always falls apart. For example, When i was with Leeroy. We were all happy and were talking about me moving to Louisiana with him and getting married, having babes one day. But did that ever happen? hell no it didn't. It was all amazing and then it just fell apart. I think that has really scared me. i was so happy and had such high hopes and dreams.
I know im only 20 but thought by now i would at lease have found mr. right and i would be on my way to getting married. I know im young but its what i want. i just dont understand why it has not happened yet. thats kinda all i have to say

more background---love life and stuff

Well im my 20 years on this earth i have yet to find mr. right. although i have found plenty mr. right nows. In high school i dated Sam.G it was a good relationship. We were what a high school relationship should be. he was a year ahead of me and when to my rival school. He would pick me up from school and we would be together for house until it was time for me to go home. But we only lasted a year. tragically we both grew apart and found ourselves in other peoples arms, fighting, and sometimes not talking. So i ended it after a year. However now we are really good friends and we still hang out and talk.
So after Sam came Leeroy. Leeroy was a marine someone had brought over to my house. Imeadeatly after meeting him i knew i wanted to be with him. he was older than me. i was 17 and he was 20. but that didn't stop us. we kept it a secrete for a year until i turned 18. We dated for quite a while. i went home with him met his family was in his twin brothers wedding. he met my grandma and my family loved him. everything was amazing for a long time. Until one night about a month before my 19 birthday. Leeroy decided he didn't love me anymore. and that was that and there was no changing his mine. it was over.
While i was depressed i went to my grans house. while there i started talking to an old friend i had met a few years back named Damien.C. he lived in Virgina and was in the navy. we had talked for a while tryed the long distance dating but it just never worked out. but we still talk.
So quite a awhile later i met Alex.M. He was tall dark and handsome. A true country boy. He swept me off my feet with he country ways and him charm. He was also a marine. we dated for a while although he came with a little more baggage than my usual type. He was separated and had a child. but i was fine with it. So we spent every weekend together. He tough me to ride quads and took me to the desert. things were great. until the truth came out. He was married. he wife had lied and said they were not married and so did he. So after finding that out i have never seen him again.
So after that i turned to an old friend to talk to Damien.C. It has been going ok. After the Alex thing a few months ago living at home has been rough. Damien has been there for me for the most part. and im beginning to really like him. so hopefully i get to see him soon and i will know for sure.

Intro

I have had a good life..until recently everything has been easy on the life scale. When i was 10 my parents divorced. I was grateful because i hate my father. My mother remarried shorty after to the man i now call dad or rusty. I have a little sister,18, Maureen she is my blood sister. I also have a little brother, 15, Ryan. who is Rusty's child.
I have never been the brightest person. Everything i do i have to work extremely hard nothing has ever came easy to me. In 5th grade i was put into special edd, but was never really diagnosed with a learning disability. I was in special edd until i graduated from high school. Now that im in college i have extra help and special help. Now im not going to school anymore i failed most of my classes even though i tryed like hell to pass.
The entire time i went to school my dad would compare me to my sister and say " why cant you get good grades like your sister." At that time my mother was my rock and she would always go to bat for me and make me feel better. Seeing how smart my little sister is has always been very hard on me. I have never understood why i am the stupid one and she is so smart. Its been hard on me.
I have always tryed to fit in, however nothing ever feel just right to me. School was rough because i was socially different. growing up i was home school and shuffled around a lot because my father could never hold down a job for very long. Fitting in just never really happened for me. yes i did have people to hang out with but i never felt like i truly fit in.
My father and Rusty were both in the marine corps. So growing up was different. My father was retired but still stick on my sister and me. When my mother remarried rusty he was still in the marines. He deployed twice to the war in Iraq after 9/11 then he got out. We have always had marines over at our house every weekend.
Well thats all i can think of for today. so until next time...enjoy life.